Glen Waverley Uniting Church Choir Fun Page

Church Bulletins

These sentences (with all the bloopers) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

  1. The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes snacks and meals.
  2. The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'
    The sermon tonight:         'Searching for Jesus.'
  3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
  4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.  Smile at someone who is hard to love.  Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
  5. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
  6. Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again', giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  7. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  9. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
    So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  10. At the evening service tonight , the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
    Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  11. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  12. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
    Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  13. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you will want remembered.
  14. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
  15. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
  16. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  17. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  18. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
  19. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
  20. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  21. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  22. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:   'I Upped My Pledge so up yours.'

The Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons for being a Soprano

  1. The rest of the choir exists just to make you look good.
  2. You can entertain your friends by breaking their wine glasses.
  3. Can you name an opera where an alto got the man?
  4. When sopranos want to sing in the shower, they know the tune.
  5. It's not like you're ever going to sing the alto part by accident.
  6. Great costumes - like the hat with the horns on it.
  7. How many world famous altos can you name?
  8. When the fat lady sings, she's usually singing soprano.
  9. When you get tired of singing the tune, you can sing the descant.
  10. You can sing along with Michael Jackson.

Top Ten Reasons for being an Alto

  1. You get really good at singing an E flat.
  2. You get to sing the same note for 12 consecutive bars.
  3. You don't really need to warm up to sing 12 consecutive bars of E flat.
  4. If the choir is rough, it's unlikely the altos will be blamed
  5. You have lots of time to chat during soprano solos.
  6. You get to pretend that you are better than the sopranos, because everybody knows that women only sing soprano so they don't have to learn to read music.
  7. You can sometimes find part-time work singing tenor.
  8. Altos get all the great intervals.
  9. When the sopranos are holding some outrageously high note at the end of a piece, the altos always get the last words.
  10. When the altos miss a note, nobody gets hurt.

Top Ten Reasons for being a Tenor

  1. Tenors get high without drugs.
  2. Name a musical where the tenor got the girl.
  3. You can show sopranos how it SHOULD be sung.
  4. Did you ever hear of anyone paying $1000 a ticket to hear the Three Basses?
  5. Who needs brains when you've got resonance?
  6. Tenors never have to waste time looking through self-improvement books.
  7. You can sing along with John Denver's 'High Calypso'.
  8. When you get really good at falsetto you can make lots of money doing voice overs for cartoons.
  9. Gregorian chant was practically invented for the tenor. Nobody invented a genre for basses.
  10. You can entertain your friends doing impersonations.

Top Ten Reasons for being a Bass

  1. You don't have to tighten your pants to reach your note.
  2. You don't have to worry about a woman stealing your job.
  3. Or a pre-adolescent boy.
  4. Action heroes are always basses. That is if they ever sang they would be a bass.
  5. You get great memorable lyrics like bop, bop, bop, bop.
  6. If the singing job doesn't work out, there's always broadcasting.
  7. You never have to learn to read the treble clef.
  8. If you get a cold, so what.
  9. For fun you can sing at the bottom of your range and fool people into thinking there's an earthquake.
  10. If you belch while you're singing, the audience just thinks it's part of the score.

English or Latin?

There is an interesting discussion on whether choirs should sing in Latin or English here.

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